Phoebe Turns Four

 This blog has seen Jonah and snippets of his hilarious, precocious little mind. It has seen Max, who is the very definition of rough and tumble. Iris has been spoken of once or twice, though it's been so long since I've posted anything that a reader wouldn't know much about her sweet complacency and constant, tender affection. There is another, however; one more little girl who is not included in any of these stories of our day to day life because she is not here to be a part of them. She came and went like a shooting star, leaving nothing behind but murmurings of how pretty she was.

Phoebe has a birthday coming up, which is the special occasion that demands attention to be brought to her. She would be turning four years old on Saturday! My, how time flies.

We have one of our own on the other side. She is gone, but every day I am struck by her presence in the family still. Max, for example, never met her. Max is the "rainbow baby", as they call it, but he talks about Phoebe more than anyone else in the family. He knows about her from tales told by Jonah and a picture on the wall. Oh, Paul and I answer questions very openly about her, but for the most part the kids have kept the memory alive among themselves and on their own. Honestly, I probably wouldn't have thought to tell Max about her until he was a little older (he just turned 3) when I deemed him capable of understanding. But he has latched onto the parts he does understand and holds them very close to his heart indeed.

A few months ago as we were driving down 81 in the evening, I pointed out a spectacular sunset to the kids. Max's response? "I flew up there and painted that with God and Phoebe!"
Every night we say a few prayers with the kids, and I always give them a minute to say whatever they feel they need to say to God. Every night, Max says the same thing:"God, I want Phoebe back." He also told me one day in a very "ah-ha" kind of moment, "Mom! We could just go to Heaven and bring Phoebe home with us in our car!"
He knows there is another member of the gang and he really, really loves Jonah and Iris so I guess that must be confusing and thought provoking to a 3 year old.

Jonah talks about Phoebe, too. If he ever says anything about our family as a whole, he includes her. It's really sweet! We adults go through our different stages of feeling loss - sometimes I don't want to think about it, and most of the time I don't like to talk about it -  but for kids so young it simply is what it is. Strange for a person so young to be acquainted with death the way Jonah is. He was not quite two when she was born and died and it was quite an ordeal. Our old family dog, Maggie, passed away recently, and Jonah was not in the least bit put down by it. He saw my tears and reminded me that everyone dies, no biggie, we'll see each other again.

April feels a certain way and I like it. Birds, new life, green creeping back into the grass - it is seething with memories of a time when I thought my heart would stop beating in my chest and the world would stop turning. Ya know something, it feels good to feel things so strongly! It's heavy and light, intimidating and welcoming. It's familiar by now, and it's all good. We are glad we had Phoebe for awhile and we're glad to have her in the unconventional way that we have her now.

So, happiest of birthdays to sweet little Phoebe! April 11th four years ago was a truly amazing day, and April 12th four years ago equally so when we lost her. We are remembering and celebrating. <3